Mental Health
Where Did I Go For a Year?
I explain my absence from Medium between March 2023–2024.
Have you ever run yourself into the ground? There are times in life when we imagine ourselves to be invincible. We burn our wicks at both ends. I should have seen this coming as there were signs, and it wasn’t my first rodeo.
It was difficult to admit defeat. No, some adversary had not triumphed over me in a duel. From a narrative perspective, it was self vs. self.
I’ve spent the last year on a journey to improve my mental health and well-being. I crashed at the end of 2022 in so many ways. My situation digressed until I finally broke and reached out for help.
So what happened? What did I do about it? How am I doing now? Keep reading, and I’ll tell you all about it.
I Digress
As I discussed in my About Me, I moved to Murfreesboro back in 2015. I had worked for the same company that hired me since I moved here, and things were going okay. By 2022, I had been with the same restaurant group for over 7 years.
I finished a professional certification that year. Then, I began building a non-profit to network community gardens in the state. The work fulfilled me, but I spent much time driving across the state to different gardens.
But things were not going well in my inner world. Several stressors weighed heavy on me. I wasn’t seeking the help I needed to sort through my thoughts and feelings. I could only go so long before some slack had to give somewhere.
My parents had moved away. They moved to a nearby state to be close to my brother as he is the only one of us three siblings who has kids. I understand wanting to be near your grandkids as they grow up, but I also felt distant from my immediate family.
Furthermore, my Dad received a diagnosis of a type of blood cancer. These types of things bring one’s mortality into focus. My Dad is too young to be suffering from such ailments.
Dad always brought home the bacon, the family’s breadwinner. This disease and later treatment left him unable to work for a while. He also has trouble walking and using his hands now. At least disability covered much of his lost income during that time. Insurance covers much of his treatments.
My Mom does so much even now. She sorts his medications and reminds him to discuss certain things with the doctors. At one point she kept his schedule. She also holds a full-time job. I don’t know how she does it.
To make a long story short, I went off the deep end for a bit. The stresses of the situation, previous unresolved things, plus my predispositions confluenced spectacularly. This led me down a road of psychosis and despair. I couldn’t function well enough to maintain my adult responsibilities.
I could not get through shifts at work. I had emotional outbursts, and my behavior was both impulsive and irritable. I lost my job for 7 years because I couldn’t fulfill my responsibilities. I later got hired and fired by two other businesses because I was in such a terrible state.
What I Did About It
It’s hard to ask for help to get your life together when you’re a grown man. There are more resources for women, children, and families. That’s fine, but it’s difficult to pull yourself out of that state. Even more so when you’re unwell.
I couldn’t move in with my parents again. They have enough to deal with right now. I knew after our last time living together that they expected me to stay employed and take care of myself. I wanted to do those things, but I found myself in a place of desperation.
I almost lost my housing because I couldn’t maintain employment. I had to cash out of a modest 401k to survive another month. I’m still saddled with defaulted credit from scrambling to make during that time.
Thank you so much for those who helped me along the way. I am so grateful and would not have made it without you. Let me count the ways.
My grandmother offered me some personal help. I hated to ask because these things strain relationships, but she knew I would get my life sorted again. She believes in me even when I don’t.
One of my friends is a pastor, and she helped me in several ways. She listened to me when I needed a friend. She remained steadfast while I worked through both my hardships. She also gave me several food boxes so I could stay fed while I looked for a job.
I have a case manager who helps me with personal needs should they arise. He came through and helped me with groceries and rental assistance during my time of need. One of several people who saw through my mental state to my humanity.
I pleaded for months to get a counselor. My case manager worked hard to find a way for me to afford it. While it took a few months, I was able to finally get connected with a therapist.
And boy, did I need it! Not only was I dealing with failing mental health, but I needed to put myself back together. Furthermore, I knew I had traumas from my past that I needed to deal with.
How Am I Doing Now?
First, allow me to note that I have been employed at a local restaurant for over a year now. My mind and mood are much more stable, and I enjoy my days more often than not. Plus I have some future goals I’m working towards (more on that another time).
Oh my goodness! While I’m not new to therapy, I should have returned years ago. Not dealing with my inner demons has left me stifled as an adult. I needed therapy so I could be more than well — I could self-actualize.
Since I had counseling in the past, getting back into the swing of things was not hard. I knew what to expect from the process. I also knew what was expected of me for therapy to be effective.
It took some time to build rapport, but I like my therapist a lot. She lets me talk and actively listens. It feels like a conversation, then she asks me something that makes me think about why I do things or how it makes me feel. She’s superb at that.
She is certified in a trauma-informed therapy called EMDR. Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing helps to revisit trauma and lessen its burden. This process changes how we store memories and makes them less painful.
Also, I wanted to gain some weight during this time. I had become emaciated and didn’t look well during my psychosis. After making a goal to gain weight, I’m proud to say I weigh 30 lbs more than when this all started.
As mentioned in the About Me, I have long dealt with depression. I never sought to medicate for it because of many worries. But when I finally broke and had to reach out for help, I decided I would do whatever it took to get well.
I spoke with both my therapist and my doctor about taking an anti-depressant. I wanted to feel hopeful about life again, and I knew my mindset at that time was not the person I knew myself to be at heart. So I decided to do something about it.
My doctor suggested a low-grade medicine. I wanted to still feel the full range of emotions, and this option has the least side effects. It helps me manage my depression symptoms, and I don’t get down like I once did.
Some say it is insanity to take the same action yet expect different results. In a way, I am thankful I broke down because it forced me to make changes I was unwilling to do otherwise. People around me notice a difference, too.
Final Thoughts
First, I feel better after taking action to improve my mental health. Besides that, others see the shift in me as well. My coworkers point out how much happier I seem lately.
I’m planning for the future. I have goals, and I’m excited to see them come to fruition. But deeper than that, I’m not feeling the urge to give up from hopelessness. My goal is to maintain and improve upon my momentum.
My family notices that I do things that make me happy more when I’m doing well. I’m writing again, which my audience notices. But I’m not doing so much that I see signs of a crash coming along. I intend to maintain that balance.
I want to be a better loved one. I want to live a life that bears good fruit. I want to feel a sense of fulfillment and contentment about life — not dread and anxiety.
While so many things have improved for me, I recognize this for the wake-up call it was. I still have unresolved things that a trained professional can help me deal with. I’m learning to be kind and take care of myself. One can’t pour from an empty cup, after all.
And I want to express to you the importance of asking for help, particularly with mental health. It is not a weakness but a strength to do so. Don’t wait until a crash. Therapy can help anyone in many different ways.
And as Ru Paul says,
“If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?”
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